Style Conversational Week 1254: Something ode, something new
First use of ‘kook’: 1960 — whatever did they call us before that?
(Screen image from m-w.com/time-traveler)
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
Email //
Bio //
Follow //
November 16, 2017
/(Today’s headline was a too-long-to-fit entry by Tom Witte) /
Well, that turned out to be a challenge, huh?
Such a cool tool, Merriam-Webster’s Time Traveler,
which shows you a list of terms whose
“first known use” was in the year you specify. But as you can gather
from the picture above, the “list” — which can’t be copied and pasted —
isn’t that easy to work with when you’re, oh, say, trying to find at
least three words from a single year, out of hundreds, that can form the
basis of a funny poem. Not to mention that it’s hard to write a funny
poem, period (first use of “period”: 1532).
So it wasn’t a shock that I received only a few hundred poems for Style
Invitational Week 1250 , nor that — with one
notable exception — all of this week’s inking entries
were written by regular entrants, and most of them qualifying as what I
admiringly call Obsessive Losers.
Mark Raffman not only wins the contest for the /twelfth / (pre-12th
century, though /thirteenth/ wouldn’t appear for hundreds of years
later) time, giving him an even 50 blots of ink “above the fold,” but he
gets three honorable mentions this week as well — almost a quarter of
the this week’s total ink. So with 445 blots of ink, that sends Mark
boinging over four cracks on the weedy sidewalk to the 500-Blot Style
Invitational Hall of Fame. Third- and fourth-place Loserbards Hildy
Zampella and Jon Gearhart are also fixtures of the Losers’ Circle.
But it’s a totally new entrant to the Invite — with a tour de force of a
narrative poem, along with several other also worthy entries — who grabs
second place and that nifty “biweekly”-vs.-“fortnightly” tote bag sent
us by Merriam-Webster itself. David Ginensky of New York went to college
in the D.C. area a decade ago, and learned about the Invitational by
reading Gene Weingarten’s column in the Post Magazine. (Whatever it
takes!) He’s not a professional poet but “I’ve always liked writing
(hopefully) funny poems in my spare time.”
Sometimes when I get a very good entry from someone who’d never entered
before, I worry that the person might have stolen the joke somewhere. No
problem with Week 1250 — surely it’s the first Time Traveler poetry
contest ever. Here’s one more from David (he sent me six) :
*1947:*
Lenny, the designer, and a *loner workaholic,*
at the office *open bar* became an awful, ardent brute
who insisted upon smoking near the rum, which, *hypergolic,*
might have killed him had he not designed his *flame-retardant* suit.
The bouncer saw the *foul-up* and gave Lenny the ole *heave ho,*
which he should have gotten anyway for where he chose to smoke
(he deserved the local *drunk tank*). But Lenny wouldn’t leave, though,
so the bouncer grabbed his *Windsor knot* and gave ole Len a choke.
*What Doug Dug: * In addition to all this week’s top winners, Ace Copy
Editor Doug Norwood singled out Jesse Frankovich’s Your Mama joke and
Mark Raffman’s shaggy-dog poem about the Boy Scout fixing the car horn:
“Beep repaired!”
(For some year-poems from this contest that were too tasteless even for
the Invite, go to the bottom of this column. If you don’t want to see
them, please don’t go there.)
*A LITTLE REBRANDING: THIS WEEK’S CHANGE-A-LETTER CONTEST *
When Loser Matt Monitto suggested this variation of our classic
neologism challenge, I couldn’t believe we hadn’t done it specifically.
But I couldn’t find it on Loser Elden Carnahan’s Master Contest List at
NRARS.org , I did, however, find a few entries from
other contests that would fit the parameters of Week 1254,
some of which I used as this week’s
examples. One contest, which I judged back in 2001 when I was a wee
Auxiliary Czar, was headlined “Sins of Omission” and asked readers to
drop letters — as many as they liked — from a store name, as if the
lights were out on a neon sign. This is where we got “Untie Anne’s,”
which Bob Staake chose for his cartoon. This week, remember, you can’t
drop more than one letter (I’ll let you play with spaces anyway you
like, though), but I thought I’d share some of the Week 397 entries even
though most drop far more:
Fourth runner-up: KMART to K MA, the store where your child will try on
the clothes you want him to. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)
Third runner-up:TALBERT’S ICE AND BEVERAGE to TARTS AND BEER: Swing by
and pick up a case! (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.)
Second runner-up:KAISER PERMANENTE to AIEEEE, an anesthesia- free
surgery center. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)
First runner-up: PETITS PLATS restaurant to PETIT SPLAT, a bistro
specializing in road-kill appetizers. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
And the winner of the Baby Prince William paper dolls: WAL- MART to
WART: Our name is synonymous with unwanted growth. (Selma Mathias,
Harrisonburg, Va.)
Honorable Mentions:
SHUMAN’S BAKERY, Alexandria, to HUMAN BAKERY, specializing in
gingerbread men and ladyfingers -- S. Todd, proprietor. (Ervin Stembol,
Alexandria)
BRITCHES OF GEORGETOWNE to BITES OF GEORGE W: Colonial dentistry, wooden
teeth our specialty. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
HOWARD COMMUNITY COLLEGE to HOW COM COLLEGE: Accreditation pending.
(Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)
TIMBERMAN DRUGS, Alexandria, to TIMBER N RUGS, providing men with all
their midlife-crisis needs from Viagra to toupees. (Ervin Stembol,
Alexandria)
KINKO’S to INKO’S: Documents copied by scribes while you wait. (Craig
DuBose, Charlottesville)
ADULT WORLD PLAYHOUSE CINEMA, Syracuse, N.Y., to A DULL HOUSE, featuring
round-the-clock production of Ibsen plays. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY to BUTT FAT, the plus-size center. (Dave Zarrow,
Herndon)
BALLY TOTAL FITNESS to LOAFIN, not-so-total fitness. (Jennifer Hart,
Arlington)
HEART IN HAND restaurant, Clifton, to EAR IN HAND, Mike Tyson’s favorite
eatery. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
RADIO SHACK to ADIOS, Jack Kevorkian’s one-hour finishing shop! (Stephen
Dudzik, Olney)
AUNTIE ANNE’S PRETZELS, Landmark Center, to UNTIE ANNE’S PRETZELS: So
soft they come undone. (John Drummond, Alexandria)
OLD NAVY to OLD NAY: Do we have it? NO! Can we get it? NO! You’ll save
like never before! (Judith Cottrill, New York)
GREAT CLIPS, Columbia, to EAT LIPS: We serve tongue, too. (Phyllis
Kepner, Columbia)
MCDONALD’S to NADS: Mountain oysters are our specialty. (Saul Rosen,
Rockville)
PLACE ONE CONDOMINIUMS, Alexandria, to LACE ON CONDOMS, Almost Perfect
Prophylactics (Chris Doyle, Burke)
PARFUMS DE FRANCE, Tysons Corner, to PRUDE FACE, cosmetics for the
sexually repressed. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
GALAXY COMMUNICATIONS, Bethesda, to LAX MUNITIONS: Guns & Ammo — no ID,
no limits. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
THE WASHINGTON POST to HASH N POT: [Products sold for novelty purposes
only — eds.] (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)
** *NOT FOR THE ANNALS: Unprintable entries from Week 1250*
1500:
It is surely UNSMART and MISGUIDED and risky
But her BACKSIDE has made him INCREDIBLY FRISKY.
He can’t wait FOREVER if he wants to have her
Class time’s almost up; she’s the med school’s CADAVER (ugh, Brian Cohen!)
1598:
This café is rather luxurious!
What aroma! My taste buds are curious!
Blech! The COFFEE is GRITTY,
Now my mood is s----ty,
The barista (that F---ER), I’m furious! (Kyle Hendrickson did note that
he knew it wasn’t printable)
1990:
Big PROPS to boxers! They’re the best.
TIGHTY-WHITEYS get no SHOUT-OUT.
Guys don’t like their junk compressed
When getting the old trouser trout out. (Chris Doyle — we’re close to
being this crude in the paper these days, but not quite. Meanwhile,
“props to something” is no older than 1990. Huh!)
And while we’ve hinted coyly at the contents of the “dossier” compiled
as opposition research on candidate Trump, we have to remember that the
most titillating allegations are unsubstantiated, and so The Post does
not even mention them in its news stories. Which is why we wouldn’t run
this one in the Invite:
1880:
A FETCHING young lady, unnamed,
And no doubt UNINHIBITED, aimed
Per instructions of his
And proceeded to whiz.
(Or that’s what the DOSSIER claimed.) (Jesse Frankovich)